The Gifted Lover Question:
I am in a new relationship with a sexually open and experienced woman – it is amazing to be with her. But I must admit I feel a certain pressure to be with her in the way she wants and deserves. The occasional failure of my erection doesn’t seem to faze her, but they do worry me a bit. Do you have any pointers for me?
When I received your inquiry, an insightful article by Australian Bettina Arndt came to mind and I’ve summarised it for this article. She writes about the movie Fading Gigolo, where women hire the character Fioravante for his consummate lovemaking skills. They ‘dig deep to pay for a roll in the hay with the ageing part-time gigolo and florist. ‘Bettina also notes that many male reviewers of the film can’t get their heads around the central premise at the heart of John Turturro's delightful movie.
What does it take to make sex memorable and extraordinary, instead of merely satisfying? What bewitches well-heeled customers is that there is a man who knows exactly what he's doing. Isn't that worth paying for? Paying a lot for?
So, what does it take to make sex more than merely functional or even satisfying but truly memorable and extraordinary?
That's also the question Canadian psychology professor Peggy Kleinplatz has spent the past decade trying to answer. Together with students from the University of Ottawa, she's conducted a series of studies featuring long interviews with volunteers who referred to themselves as being experienced in great sex in order to describe in an empirical way the components of what she calls ''optimal sexuality.'' Her 64 participants included many older people - 60 plus - recruited for the knowledge they acquired in long-term relationships, as well as gay and bisexual volunteers and a group of sex therapists.
The following eight components were identified as contributing to optimum sexual experiences: ■ Being present, focused, and embodied, staying totally absorbed in the moment.
■ Connection, alignment, merged, being in synch - two becomes one.
■ Deep sexual and erotic intimacy - mutual respect and trust.
■ Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy - being tuned into each other's feelings, needs and responses.
■ Authenticity, transparency, being genuine, uninhibited -stripped bare, emotionally and physically.
■ Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing - a unique ''high''.
■ Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun - great sex involves laughter.
■ Vulnerability and surrender - one's entire being in someone else's hands.
What surprised the researchers was the uniformity of responses. ''The participants differed enormously from each other in terms of sexual orientation, age, relationship status, level of physical ability and sexual functioning but their conceptualisations of great sex were far more similar than they were different,'' say the authors. Indeed, great sex turned out to have very little to do with sexual techniques, orgasms, erections or physical prowess. ''It's done by creating mood, spending time peeling away layers, creating intimacy, building vulnerability, breaking down barriers and creating a safe environment. You have to leave the bullshit and clothes at the door.'' One woman reported: ''He reads my body like a musical instrument. It is about the body, but also heart and soul.” Her lover sometimes has trouble sustaining erections, yet she reports everything he does is a turn on. “We have some very erotic experiences that don't involve penetration.”
Sydney sex therapist Gia Ravazzotti suggests one also has to be emotionally open to the experience a gifted lover offers. ''Many people who have had this type of sex think they've been lucky enough to meet a great lover, but it doesn't just happen. It comes from within. People need to be present to themselves, to have the ability to be vulnerable with someone, to trust and release inhibitions to achieve this type of expansive and rewarding sex.'
So, it's possible that John Turturro's fading gigolo, Fioravante, could have had these skills - emotional openness and sensitivity - to offer total delight to his customers. But I wonder if he was able to select clients with care to guarantee the right results! To find the answer, see the movie! Perhaps your lover has also chosen the perfect partner. Your willingness to hone your skills and your emotional readiness to ask about this is a great start.
Helen Mounsey, ChristchurchTherapist and Director at Sex Therapy NZ